You can't special order awesome
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
