I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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