you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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