I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
