She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
