It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
