watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
