If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
