he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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