I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
