I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
