If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
