my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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