i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
