shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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