seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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