Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
