I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I CAN MOONWALK!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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