im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
