I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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