I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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