Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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