hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize