I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
