So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize