Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
