he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
