I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
