totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
