Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
