So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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