Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
