I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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