my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
