After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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