dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
