Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
