I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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