My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
