even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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