someone threw a dead crab at me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Ladies don't puke and tell
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
