Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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