I smell stomach acid.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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