So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
