Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
