Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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