The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
