what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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