i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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