I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't put those talents on a resume
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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