If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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