Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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