Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize