He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
