Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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