genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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