1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
