I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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