I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
