I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
