no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Sorry my hands just texted you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
