I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
